On Reading Slumps & Depression

(I might delete this random post later. Who knows. Meh meh. )

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song of the day: dodie – 6/10

Today’s post is a little more serious, but it’s also a mess. Like.. A real hot mess. It’s all over the place. Sorry about that. I wanna talk about several things I have on my mind. On the biggest reading slump of my life and depression.

I’ve suffered with a small depression for years, and it comes and goes as it pleases. Like an uninvited guest. Knocks on the door, bursts in when you don’t answer and starts unpacking all of its stuff in your house. Some days it’s more active than others. Stomps around upstairs, disturbs you when you need to concentrate and ruins your day completely, basically. 
Today is one of those noisy days. Today I don’t feel my awesome self.
And in a way, this blog post is quite therapeutic. It’s nice getting your thoughts down, letting your thoughts flow down through your arms and turning them into words with your fingertips. I highly recommend this. 21640381_1875782505772314_489258178_o

Anyway, back to my self-pitying. I don’t feel my usual, happy self. And that’s ok, because I know that I’ll feel much better tomorrow. But today I feel bad. Today I feel fat, ugly, useless, and bad at bookstagramming. A lot of self-doubt. I rep for a lot of companies, and sometimes I don’t meet the requirements. I don’t answer emails as quickly as I’d like. All the bad things about me just sorta bubble up to the surface on these days.

I feel like a bad reader. I’m in the biggest reading slump of my life. I’ve read 7 books this year. SEVEN. I moved my reading goal from 50 to 45 to 35. I’m still naively hoping that this will go over and I’ll manage to finish. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ve never read this little before- and I can’t figure out why. It’s not because I’m busy. I’m currently looking for a job after I graduated from school. I have plenty of time to read, yet- I don’t feel like reading. I’ve tried reading SEVERAL books this year. Starting and never finishing them. “What’s wrong with me?” I often think to myself. Nothing is wrong, Emilie. You just don’t feel like reading. And I need to teach myself that that is okay. At the moment, I enjoy photographing books more than I do reading them. It’s a harsh realization I had recently. But you know what? 
It’s okay. It’s totally fine. Not feeling like reading IS TOTALLY OKAY. And that’s something that I know a lot of my fellow bookstagrammers and readers struggle with. Not wanting to read does NOT make you a bad reader. It doesn’t matter how long it is, a week, a year, or even more. Just like a depression doesn’t make someone a bad human, no matter how long they’ve had it for. It’s just a phase. This too shall pass. Keep that phrase in mind, because it’s so important and so true. After rain comes sunshine. So yes, I feel bad for not reading the amount of books that I want. But I experience so many other wonderful things in my life that give me joy, so I’m gonna read when I feel it’s the right time. No pushing it. As should you. 

I feel better now. I think I’m gonna stop my ranting here, take a hot shower, make myself a cup of tea and watch a movie. (I have a lot of self-care tips for mental well-being. Maybe I’ll make a post about that someday.) 
This was a weird post. Sorry about that. 

I hope you all have a lovely day, evening or whatever time it is where you are. xx

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “On Reading Slumps & Depression

  1. Oh gosh, it feels so relatable. Like, i don’t know whether i suffer from depression or not, but i do know my mental health was a mess these past months and i was so emotionally unstable it’s crazy. And such as you i’m also experiencing the biggest reading slump of my life, which i suppose doesn’t help. What’s the worst about it – i actually DO want to get to know so many of those books awaiting me. But then i just start them and… naah. So yEs, i’m trying not to feel that bad about it and taking a chance to focus on other parts of my life more – i like to think that i maybe needed thIs at thIs phase of my life, maybe it is something crucial to make me notice my surrounding (?) or figurę out some things rIgHt now. And i believe i will find some balance soon and be able to enjoy literature again – i wish you the same 💖 You are an awesome person and i’m sure you’ll always be reADy to fight the bad days. Orr tell them to “f*** off, i’m busy ignoring you while watching Disney” 😛 (or anything else ^^)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤️❤️❤️

      So much love to you. I’m glad you enjoyed my post! I feel the exact same way. Maybe we just need this to notice other things and focus on those instead. Take me for example, I just started dating the most amazing guy ever, and I barely read. Maybe that’s why? Something my brain does? To enjoy our time more.. Hm. Good point! :O
      And yes. I’ll always be ready to tell them to fuck off if I’m busy doing something awesome 😎

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  2. Hi, honey! I know what you mean. Sometimes depression and anxiety get in our way and they don’t let us enjoy the things we love the most. For me, college is my trigger (of course among many other things since I have a huge anxiety disorder that I yet cannot control, but this pushes me beyond any limits). It makes me so mad because getting my degree is the only thing I need in order to be able do everything I want to do in my life: have a translation job (I love scientific translation! Yeah, I know. I’m a nerd :p), travel, have my own little cozy place, have more free time to visit my family, etc. So, I want to get my degree in translation, but college fucks me up. Well done, Jules! That’s not contradictory at all! Hahah
    So, I know this sound like a cliche, but you are not alone. I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now, and my therapist taught me that we all need to find that one thing that makes us feel better when anxiety strikes. It’s different for everybody. And sometimes that one thing that distracted you the most stops doing the trick and you need to keep on looking. Some people paint, read, sing, watch TV, dance, go to the gym, you name it. I loooooooooove reading, but I found out that when I get really anxious reading doesn’t work, so I started looking for something else, and that something else, as stupid as it sounds, is you tube. Make up tutorials and vlogs really relax me.
    Don’t get me wrong, I still read a lot, but whenever I need to fix my soul a little, I go to you tube. So don’t think that having a reading slump makes you a bad reader. It’s just a matter of adjusting ourselves and finding a balance between what we love doing and what makes us feel better. Don’t get discouraged! I know you will get better and you will eventually kick that reading slump and depression in their ugly asses!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so, so much for your advice Julieta. It’s always nice to remember that you’re never alone ❤️ I’m sure you’ll power through college and get your degree, remember that SO many people believe in you. You can do it! ❤️ And YouTube really relaxes me too! I love watching those Korean “mukbang” videos, idk why. 😂 eating calms me down, I guess.

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  3. Thank you for sharing Em x
    You are truly one of the most brightest people on instagram and I love watching your stories and scroll down your feed and read your captions.
    Depression sucks – no way around it really – it just sucks.
    Mine is long gone thankfully after many trips to therapy and meds and now I’m “only” left with severe anxiety – which sucks big time too. There are bad days and good days. There are also days where everything sucks. I hate those days. If you were willing maybe you could share some of your ways to wind down on those days.
    I also had to reduce my goodreads challenge because my aim was too high with the amount of work I have for college but you made me see that it’s okay. It doesn’t make me any less of a reader than those who read 100+ books a year (but seriously how do you do that guys? ).
    All I want to say really is thank you ! Thank you for brighten up my day with your instagram stories, thank you for your hard work that you put on your account and thank you for sharing your story.
    All the virtual hugs for you EM 😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😭😭 You’re the sweetest person ever Ines. Thank you so much!! Your words mean the world to me. I’m so glad your depression is long gone. I hope I’ll get to that state one day as well. Well I don’t hope, I know it. But still! I’ll definitely share some tips I use myself to calm my head and relax! Agh, you’re just the sweetest. Thank you for letting me brighten up your day, that makes MY day knowing that you feel that way ❤️❤️ That is also something I’ve noticed calms me, bookstagram and all my lovely bookish friends. Dont know what I would do without all of you!

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