(I might delete this random post later. Who knows. Meh meh. )
Today’s post is a little more serious, but it’s also a mess. Like.. A real hot mess. It’s all over the place. Sorry about that. I wanna talk about several things I have on my mind. On the biggest reading slump of my life and depression.
I’ve suffered with a small depression for years, and it comes and goes as it pleases. Like an uninvited guest. Knocks on the door, bursts in when you don’t answer and starts unpacking all of its stuff in your house. Some days it’s more active than others. Stomps around upstairs, disturbs you when you need to concentrate and ruins your day completely, basically.
Today is one of those noisy days. Today I don’t feel my awesome self.
And in a way, this blog post is quite therapeutic. It’s nice getting your thoughts down, letting your thoughts flow down through your arms and turning them into words with your fingertips. I highly recommend this.
Anyway, back to my self-pitying. I don’t feel my usual, happy self. And that’s ok, because I know that I’ll feel much better tomorrow. But today I feel bad. Today I feel fat, ugly, useless, and bad at bookstagramming. A lot of self-doubt. I rep for a lot of companies, and sometimes I don’t meet the requirements. I don’t answer emails as quickly as I’d like. All the bad things about me just sorta bubble up to the surface on these days.
I feel like a bad reader. I’m in the biggest reading slump of my life. I’ve read 7 books this year. SEVEN. I moved my reading goal from 50 to 45 to 35. I’m still naively hoping that this will go over and I’ll manage to finish. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. I’ve never read this little before- and I can’t figure out why. It’s not because I’m busy. I’m currently looking for a job after I graduated from school. I have plenty of time to read, yet- I don’t feel like reading. I’ve tried reading SEVERAL books this year. Starting and never finishing them. “What’s wrong with me?” I often think to myself. Nothing is wrong, Emilie. You just don’t feel like reading. And I need to teach myself that that is okay. At the moment, I enjoy photographing books more than I do reading them. It’s a harsh realization I had recently. But you know what?
It’s okay. It’s totally fine. Not feeling like reading IS TOTALLY OKAY. And that’s something that I know a lot of my fellow bookstagrammers and readers struggle with. Not wanting to read does NOT make you a bad reader. It doesn’t matter how long it is, a week, a year, or even more. Just like a depression doesn’t make someone a bad human, no matter how long they’ve had it for. It’s just a phase. This too shall pass. Keep that phrase in mind, because it’s so important and so true. After rain comes sunshine. So yes, I feel bad for not reading the amount of books that I want. But I experience so many other wonderful things in my life that give me joy, so I’m gonna read when I feel it’s the right time. No pushing it. As should you.
I feel better now. I think I’m gonna stop my ranting here, take a hot shower, make myself a cup of tea and watch a movie. (I have a lot of self-care tips for mental well-being. Maybe I’ll make a post about that someday.)
This was a weird post. Sorry about that.
I hope you all have a lovely day, evening or whatever time it is where you are. xx